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Facebook breaks are A MUST!

I hope everyone is doing well today as you read this. I hope you are reading this and are sipping a cup of coffee, or kissing your sweet baby, or listening to some amazing music. I hope you are filled with peace and hope. I say all this because since I have had my last baby I have not been filled with peace at all! I have prayed, read my bible, received encouragement from friends, etc... but nothing helped. Then God showed me how I was holding onto things that were not in my control. Harboring unforgiveness and sadness in my life over things I should just let go. Then our preacher preached an amazing sermon on anxiety and depression. Down to the alter I went and discovered how I was trying to manage it all IN MY STRENGTH , so I gave it to Him. I laid everything on that alter and suddenly that very day I was filled with so much peace. The kind of peace where you can breathe again.

Anyway , I guess you are saying what does that have to do with Facebook. Well, I felt the Lord leading me to deactivate my account. And on one very emotionally hard day that is what I did. And it has been that way for about a month. And I can sure tell the difference. The world just sucks us in and eats us up. IF we are already struggling it is even more powerful. I totally believe Satan uses Facebook and other social media to keep us in bondage. To keep us depressed or always mad at somebody. So, I am thankful for the push from God to do this. While it has been good for my soul it has totally destroyed my Scentsy business but I know God is faithful and if I am not to have a Scentsy business then I am sure that will be shown to me as well. Sometimes our wants are not what is best for us and not in God's Will.

I say all that to say if you are battling with depression, anxiety, anger, resentment Facebook mostly only stirs the pot. Even if you use it for good intentions it can still suck you in. Try it! Give up Facebook; spend time with your family , read your bible, listen to podcasts to strengthen your faith, reconnect with friends, etc... You will not regret it. Want to keep up with people , keep your messenger . That is what I did and I can still connect with people that matter but not scroll and scroll aimlessly when I could be doing something much better with my time. And that is a whole other post in itself! How much of a time waster it is. Let me know if you have taken or are taking a Facebook break and how it went for you in the comments. Thanks to everyone who reads my blog!


Blessings and Have A God Filled Day,
Tiffany!!!

Scentsy's Holiday collection!🎄🍁🎃

I am so excited about this year's holiday collection. So many new products. So much that would make excellent gifts and not break the bank. Who doesn't like their house, body, car, friends( lol) to smell good. 😂
Check out our new seasonal bricks. Scentsy bricks last FOREVERRRRR! Seriously, they are amazing. I cut each of my blocks in the bricks into 4's. Also our new Scentsy buddy is so cute!
Contact me with question. Run🏃‍♀️ don't walk and check it all out!

https://tiffanyballard.scentsy.us/?partyId=10841287

Our day in pictures

Since we are passing around a tummy bug not much school is getting done today. However, we read alot this morning and did a fall craft. I wasn't feeling well really either and turned on some praise and worship music and my 8 year old said wow that is pretty on the wall. I'll post pic of what I like to think was my sweet love letter from God. ❤ I pray everyone is having a blessed Friday.

Being Beautifully Broken

  As I sat doing my bible study this morning my soul was at peace. This has been a rough year. Maybe a rough several years but God. God is teaching me so much through it . A lot of times I do not hear Him because I am so busy. And maybe, okay most certainly , some of the busyness is junk. Social media is a big #1 so for now Facebook is deactivated and deleted from my phone. (Which is super hard for me because I do most of my Scentsy selling from there.)


  My soul has been so heavy laden. I have been tired, y'all ( yes I am from GA where we say y'all.) Not the physical tired we usually think of. I guess physically I have been tired also since I gave birth to our 13th child almost eight months ago and had some pretty serious events take place with that. (You can read about that in several previous posts).  But mostly I have been broken hearted, soul crushing tired. Sometimes God breaks us , sometimes He has to so that He can get our attention.


  I see God doing such a work in my life. And the lives of my husband ( which I pray for daily) and my children (which I also pray for daily).  I am so grateful for the peace I felt this morning. It was raining and nasty outside but The Son shone brightly for me this morning. I can see why things have gotten so chaotic for me. I have been so busy that I have spent time with my precious Lord ONLY when I could fit it in. No wonder I have felt so lost!!!!! I do not take the time during the day to just breathe. To soak up the sound of my babies laughing , older ones talking , birds chirping outside. I have been letting it all fly by.


  I am thankful for the work the Lord is doing in me and my family. I could do without the pain, heartache, soul crushing tiredness, and feelings of being lost but if that is what it takes then break me , Lord!! He has lifted me up from the bottom of the pit and rained so much grace down on me. He has never given up on me. Not for one second. Even when I have wanted to give up on myself. I ask that everyone reading this take a look at your life. What can you cut out? What hinders your relationship with you family.  What most importantly hinders your precious time with God?


 I would ask that you pray for me. I need to work through a lot of emotions that I have not yet processed but I know God has big plans for my family. And that He isn't done with me just yet!!!!

Flexibility and Memories

Okay, I'll admit going anywhere with our kiddos is work! You have to make sure everyone has what they need. And then like today a million life jackets, towels, somewhere to lay baby, changes of clothes, etc.... etc...

  Today is a school day for my kids. But, for their sanity and mine P.E. today was with friends AT THE LAKE. Wow, how getting outside and by the water with sweet friends will lift your spirits. That's where the flexibility comes in! I thought and thought over it. Talked myself out of it and then thought isn't that 1 of the million reasons you homeschool? Flexibility!! So, today we rearranged school to be AFTER lunch. Getting little man to sleep now and then it's on for school. But speaking of that I have olders helping some younger ones write their names as we type this.

And back to all that work that goes into just a trip like that. You  have to load and unload, then there's the extra laundry BUT there are also the special memories and relationships being built. Friends are important.  

I don't want my kids to miss the beauty God has created. I don't want life to be mundane for them. I want them to know their mama will put in the extra work because they are important to me!! And while we are talking about it this baby adores outside, the water, everything about being around the water!

So! Choose Joy in your journey and include flexibility and memories along the way. 

Homeschooling encouragement

Now I realize homeschool laws are different everywhere and homeschooling in certain states is harder but by talking with online friends from all over I do believe relaxed homeschool can be accomplish most anywhere.

   I have been homeschooling kiddos for  around 12-13 years now. I have graduated 3 from homeschooling and I consider all 3 successful. Homeschooling has caused me more stress than I care to talk about. But God! He is showing me step by step what homeschool is supposed to be. At least for our family.

   I talk with people all the time who hate sending their kids to public school or just want to keep them home with them. But when I say you should homeschool. They usually have the same reaction. I don't have the patience. Well, wanna know a little secret! Most homeschooling moms do not either including myself. Homeschool teaches the parent just as much. Prayer life is much more because you are asking God to help you not lose your marbles. Lol, just kidding. Well, not really. Some days really do have you leaning on Jesus. I would hate to try to homeschool without my faith. Anyhow!

   The biggest thing God is teaching me is my homeschool doesn't have to look like anyone else's.  I don't have to compare myself to anyone else. A wise woman once told me to not worry about what I get in, God will fill in the gaps. While I nervously laughed at that, I think it was some of the best advice I was ever given. Another thing that I believe God is teaching me is to put the most important first. God's word is the most important. If they get that and nothing else they are better off than many in this world. I am going to try something new when we start back September . I am gonna have a morning basket but am gonna tweak it to our family. I am thankful I have a God that loves me so much He directs me. It has caused me to relax a bit. And I hope it helps my kids love learning because for a while our homeschooling has been rough!

   To all the homeschool moms out there. You got this!!! Your homeschool doesnt have to look like anyone else's.  And to the moms wanting to try homeschooling take the leap. You got this also....with God's help. ;)

How to Not Come Unglued

  While this post comes because I am reading the book Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst , it also stems from what God is doing in my life!! God is really teaching me to make wise choices even when my emotions are high. Right now I'm dealing with lots of emotional stuff and I could easily snap at everyone and everything around me!!! But that doesn't shine the light of Christ! The One who saved me from death!

    Raw emotions can come out of nowhere and run us over like a Mack truck!! They can ruin our day, ruin relationships, and ruin our life if we let them. God gave us emotions to allow us to feel as we experience life. We just have to keep our emotions in check!!! Wanna know who use our emotions against us? Yep! The devil. He sure has used them against me many times and will continue to do so if I let him!. But little does he know I'm working on strategies to ask God to help me with my raw emotions. Hahaha! Take that devil.

    In Lysa's book one thing that stuck out to me that is my heart's cry is this- Oh God, chisel me. I don't want to be locked in my hard places. Wow...just wow!!
We are God's workmanship. Do not check in with the screaming demands of the world before you exchange whispers with God.

  Satan loves it when we do his work for him by dumping on each other!! Boy, isn't that the truth. This is exacting why I want God to mold me , chisel me into someone who can control my emotions. To show grace as much as possible. To not come unglued at every annoying thing. To be steady in our emotions and remember we may be the only piece of God someone sees. That's enough for me. We have enough hatefulness in this world. Let's be salt and light.

Bad Mom Day

  As I'm sitting here folding my mounds of laundry I was thinking of how bad mom days are kinda like the redemption we receive from Christ.

   Let me tell you! Yesterday was a bad day. My 4 year old and 5 year old were so bad yesterday. I mean worse than any of my kids have ever been. The day was full of yelling, tantrums,  and frustration.  And that was not just by the kids. I went to bed last night totally feeling defeated!!

  Then the morning came! Today is like the grace God shows us. I talked with said kids about yesterday and they were truly sorry! They have been so respectful this morning, more than willing to help. As the saying goes tomorrow is a new day is so true, mamas!

  I want to encourage you that we will have bad mom days but kids forget really quickly about momzilla! They , like us as moms, are forgiving. So I say if you're having a bad mom day grab you some coffee, tea, whatever you drink and hit your knees. God gives so much grace and he does hear our prayers.

  And don't feel embarrassed or like you have to hide bad days. Find a friend, a true friend, to vent( whine) to. I have a very special online friend I can do that with that won't say well you wanted all those kids or something like that. Just because I have a bad day doesnt mean I love my kids any differently than I did on the good days. And that I wouldn't be grateful for more(even though my husband has a vasectomy).

   Mama, you got this! God gave YOU these children. They do not need a perfect mom and I think the bad days teach the kids about redemption and grace. Have a blessed, God filled day! And love those kiddos.❤

I'm ok

    Is this what you hear when you ask your friend how they are doing? Seriously. This is our usual response on how we are doing. Even when we are not ok. But in our society we have to have it all together. Especially on social media. Wonder why so many people are committing suicide? Because everyone else seems to have it so much better and all together than they do. I just saw a video of a toddler crying for her daddy. Wanna know why she was crying? Because her daddy committed suicide! He left behind a loving wife and 2 beautiful kids and tons of family that loved him. So maybe it is time to put our phones down and slow down a bit and really ask our loved ones how they are doing! And when they say, " I'm ok" , then maybe we should say no REALLY how are you doing?


   Life is tough and sometimes just plain stinkin' hard. Then you have that crafty devil lurking around all the time. Boy, can that devil fill your head with so many lies. But just know you are so loved. Even when we don't feel loved there is a God who made us who loves us beyond what we can comprehend. After all he did send his only son to die to save US! And can I just tell you that it is ok to not be OK. ( I am talking to myself here.) And I think it is time when our friends and family ask us how we are doing that we ask for prayer for the things bringing us down. We are in this together.


  Remember death was arrested and we have grace so free! Don't let that devil fill your head with lies and don't let the things of this world bog you down because this is just our temporary home. And if you are struggling and do not know Jesus Christ I would love to talk with you. I cannot imagine one day on this earth without the Lord's help and my faith getting me through. Leave me a message and I will get in touch with you.


    

Combatting depression and anxiety (especially postpartum depression)

   I have never really dealt with very bad depression. I was always the one that said you don't need that medicine. You just gotta pray and read your bible more.(Clearly I did not get how depression is like a disease.) I always viewed those dealing with it as weak or just not giving their worries to Christ. I will admit I am a worrier and have anxiety about things. I do not like change or new things. That is possibly why I had ppd after this last birth. Nothing went like I had planned!

   Sometimes I think God gives us trials to actually understand what other people go through. So we can actually be an encouragement and actually be able to sympathize with what others have and will go through. I never truly understood how horrible something like postpartum depression could be until it was me going through it. How even little things seem huge. How everything drives you crazy and sometimes you just feel like you are going to jump out of your skin. How sometimes all you can do is pray and cry out to Jesus.

    I was VERY lucky in that my husband and some nurses( one very special labor and delivery nurse to be truthful) caught my ppd after I was put back in the hospital for postpartum preeclampsia. I was put on meds that I have always said I would never take. But these were crucial to my recovery. NEVER feel guilty for getting help. Your family and your kids need you. Did you hear me! NEVER feel guilty. Many have went through it before you and many will go through it after you. And from someone who is so super hard headed NEVER quit your depression meds cold turkey! You will feel like you have the flu and are quite possibly dying. (Don't ask me how I know, yikes!)

   But this blog post is supposed to be a post on combatting depression and anxiety. First and foremost figure out your triggers. My trigger is absolutely what all I went through in my last delivery. I will one day have to work through all of it but now is not the time. But if you know your triggers ahead of time you will know that you could possibly experience depression and anxiety when faced with that trigger.  Having a good book to read has been essential for me as well as a great bible study. Praise and worship music has been one that that has actually helped me through everything I have been through the past several months. Getting outside with my kids , getting vitamin D from the sun is an absolute. And last but not least having a war room . A room I can go to and storm heavens gates !!! A place I can cry, scream, praise the Lord. A place you can escape to when life just gets too much.

   I am completely off my meds. It has been better than I expected but as the days go by somethings are really starting to bother me and I just do not really want to face them. But I know with my family and God  I will get through this and be ok. Also having godly friends that can come along side you and encourage you and make sure you are ok is very important. If you have went through this you know how lonely it can feel sometimes. Again I will repeat if you ever have to go through this NEVER quit your meds cold turkey and also rely on the Lord . After all that is where our help comes from.

   
2 Corinthians 12:9 ⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

                                                   It's the little things that get us through!

Update on baby and me!!!

  For those that read my blog you know all I went through with my last birth. Baby Easton is now 3 months old( I know, where did the time go!) and he is doing amazing. He is the absolute best baby ever and is such pure joy. He is everything I needed and so much more. I love watching all the new stuff he does but it also makes my heart ache as I know he will be grown all too soon. Having one son married, another engaged, and my oldest daughter already moving out I realize even more how fast it all goes. I am so thankful to God for the miracle of Easton. Everyone is so shocked when they see him and see how well he is doing.
 
  Well as for me, I am doing fairly well. I am completely off blood pressure meds and doing pretty good so far with that. I am hoping by losing weight it will continue to come back to where it used to be or at least close to that. I am starting to work on weaning off my anxiety meds which I see is not going to be as easy as I thought it was going to be. I have moved to every other day and on those days I go back thinking about all I just went through and the sadness of my failed last homebirth. And then the realization of no more babies hits very hard as well. But with God's help and my awesome family I am confident I will be able to work through it all. My postpartum depression is ok but I am still on my depression meds which I will be trying to wean off of as soon as I am off the anxiety meds. This is all new and crazy to me. Anyone that knows me knows I hate taking meds and struggle just having to take my thyroid meds. Prayers are still appreciated!


 But some happy news!! My husband and I went away last weekend and while it was hard to be away from the kiddos it was much needed for him and I . We needed to reconnect. So much has happened in the past year. My husband is my rock!!! He is steadfast and faithful and for that I am so thankful. God is also doing big things in our family. He has been moving and I cannot wait to see what He has in store for us.


 Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and for the messages I get. Comment below and tell me what fun things you are going to do with your family this summer!! I always love new ideas.

Funschooling

 It's spring here in Georgia. Who wants to be cooped up in the house, especially doing school. I for one do not. I am trying to encorporate learning and fun. I want my kids to see how fun learning things can be. I also want them to see the beauty of everything the Lord has blessed us with.So, I decided each week for spring and summer( we school year around) we would do at least one field trip a week. It doesn't have to be a super big field trip and anything majorly thought out.

  Today we went to a military museum about 45 minutes from us. It was so neat to see the kids and also nice to talk with them about the reason we are free in this country is because others have sacrificed . While in the area we found a small park dedicated to the strongest man. Then on we went to a beautiful park. We saw a snake and was able to talk about how it was camouflaged and that is why it is important to pay attention to your surroundings.

  I am so thankful to get to homeschool. This is one of the million reasons I'm glad we can homeschool. School and learning doesn't have to be boring and stuffy. Leaving you with a few pics of our day.

Homeschool nature walk in pictures

We Need To Pray for Our Husbands

   So this morning I was looking for something to send to my husband to encourage him. He has been super tired. I think part of it is his health, work load, and responsibilities. (And a small part his hobby but he won't admit that.) But as I was looking for something to encourage him I noticed something. Everything I saw said encouragement for the tired mother or encouragement for the woman in today's society. Or something along those lines. What about our men. When did they start being forgotten. Was in when women wanted all the same "advantages" as men? When the women's rights movement started? When our culture started being told women can do everything a man can do? I am not sure when it is started but I believe it started to be the downfall for our family. We forgot about our men, their feelings, their place in our family. I have watched families , even those in the christian circles and the men are kind of forgotten. I do NOT want that to happen in my family. I do NOT believe women are intended to do what a man does. In certain circumstances a woman has to fill the role of both parents but in some instances there are dads that have to do the same.


   Ladies, we need to pray for our men. We need to build them up. The Lord is showing me I have been failing in that. Yes, I pray for my husband and try to encourage him but do I truly see how much encouragement he needs. If a male is truly filling the role in the family as God intended that is a lot of weight to carry. Our men were never meant to carry it alone. I do not dare wish I was in my husband's shoes! He has to be provider, protector, head of the house, daddy, husband, etc... I would not want the responsibilities he has. He owns his own business and has so many people to answer to and mind you many think he serves them only. My point is we have to step up as ladies and quit letting our men fall to the sidelines. I believe in the power of prayer. I have seen it time and time again in my own husband.


  Times are tough! Life is tough! While yes there is a tiredness to motherhood men will never understand and being a wife and mother is super stressful. Especially for me because I want everything perfect and everyone happy and I had to realize that is not always going to be the case. But I think instead of the war on women the media likes to portray in our culture there is a terrible war on men. Just watch t.v. ! It won't take long to see how men are portrayed. So ladies even if you are not married pray for our men because many are trying and are tired. Pray for your brothers, your fathers, your friends, and your future spouses. Ladies if you are married would you join me in storming the gates of heaven for our husbands! And to my own husband! I see you. I see you trying and pushing. Trying to provide everything for our family. Trying to be the leader of our home as God intended. And I am so so thankful for you! I am praying for you and am here for you whatever you need. You got this, babe!

Those hypocrite christians

   Okay so I've heard this many times before. I don't go to church or want to be a part of christianity because all I ever see is hypocrisy.  Let me fill you in on a secret. Christians are human. I know, crazy huh!?!

    This is the reason we NEED God. The past few years have been rough for my husband and I. And recently I've dealt with depression, anger, resentment, and probably every other feeling there is out there. Does that make me a hypocrite because I tell others to not worry, be slow to anger, quick to forgive,etc.? Absolutely not! It means my need for Jesus is that much more! It means I can reach out to others because I learn from my mistakes. The verses in the Bible are God's word and for christian and non christian. Jesus realized the need for direction even for believers.

    Our church plays a video often about different people asking different questions and such about church. One person makes the statement church is just filled with hypocrites. The answer? And there's room for one more. Let me tell you another secret. Ready? There has never been a perfect person on earth except for JESUS. SO, how about it? Those that have used that excuse time and time again. How about you come try our church or any church for that matter. At our church you will find imperfect people who absolutely love Jesus. When I take off that pressure of trying to be that perfect christian I find so much more pure joy in my Lord and Savior. And if someone wants to call me a hypocrite I am fine with that because through Jesus I am made perfect (even my hypocrisy;)  ).

It's Friday but Sunday is Coming!

Why Our Society Deals With So Much Depression

  While I know each case of depression is different and each person has different reasons I think many times so much depression boils down to one thing! That is PRIDE! Pride I have come to realize is the root of many problems especially for mothers. While someone is dealing with depression you'd think pride would be something they never dealt with but I believe that is not true.

    Take the mom in our society for an example. Every step she makes in our society is wrong in someones eyes. If she didn't have her child natural she was not strong enough, if she bottle feeds her child won't be as healthy, then there is the argument over vaccines and carseats and it goes on and on. So then you have mothers who get so down on themselves because they aren't the perfect parent! We want everyone to think we have it all together and when the ball drops and we can't keep up our perfect lives we get down on ourselves!

    This goes for dads as well. He is supposed to work hard and provide. If he works too much he is a workaholic.  If he spends more time with his family and less at work he is lazy. If he has a hobby he is neglecting his family. If he doesn't have a male hobby he is feminine. And on and on. He is supposed to keep it together and never talk about his feelings. So he doesn't. Why? Because of pride!! Doesn't want anyone to know he can't keep up or that he isn't perfect.

     Same for us as christians! We do not ask for help or even ask for prayer. Especially with the things we struggle with. We come to church on Sundays sit at church and act like everything is ok. Even when we are dying inside! Why!?! Pride! We can't let others know we struggle. They might question our faith. We can't let them know our imperfections,  about our bad habits, that our kids aren't perfect , etc...

    As a society why do we run ourselves ragged. It all in my opinion goes back to pride. We gotta have the best things, our kids have to be in every sport, we have to do this and be this way. It's so much pressure and so therefore we get depressed. Depression runs rampant in our society. Many people you think are the happiest cry behind closed doors. We need to quit thinking everything has to be perfect. When your friend says they are ok ask if they really are.

   We need to slow down and put God first! Jesus was the only one who walked the earth that was perfect. When you put pride away, humility abounds and you live a much more productive and full life. If you're struggling don't worry what others think. Speak up! God is the one who matters! Most importantly when you're struggling cry out to Jesus. He cares for you far more than we ever deserve.

  While I'm finishing this blog post I want to share a story of mine of how pride and not being good enough got in the way of something I love. I love to write! I can best get across my feelings and also get through hurt in writing. I used to blog a lot but stopped. Wanna know why? Yep, you guessed it! Pride! I always thought my writing was good enough until a reader of my blog said some unkind things about how I blog. I was hurt and offended. Many times when I'm blogging my kids are running around screaming and I have a million things on my mind so my grammar isn't always the best, my thoughts are jumbled, I have run on sentences, etc.., So I stopped blogging. I was prideful even though I didnt see it that way! Recently, I was asked why i have stopped and I didn't tell the truth. Just said not enough time. This person said my blog used to help them so much. I immediately felt horrible. I stopped doing something the Lord gifted me with because i wasnt perfect. I am praying hard about this in my life. I'm asking God to help me with everything not being perfect. So, do you struggle with depression? Do you think this type of pride plays a part in it?

The Last Baby

  Wow, I never thought I would know when it was the last baby. I always planned for it to be when God decided to close my womb. But about a week ago my husband got a vasectomy. For some I know that will be a huge shock. Okay, sometimes when I think about it is a huge shock to me too. Never thought we would do that. But life has this way of making you look back and say never say never. Easton's birth and recovery have been traumatic to say the least. And my husband felt peace with the Lord that we were done. Ask me what I feel and I am not sure. I've been told by more than one doctor if I happened to have another baby I probably wouldn't make it. So, that being said I wanna be here for my blessings that are here! For my husband. For my parents. I want to be here to fulfill God's call in my life.

      So, why blog about this? Well I do my best thinking and getting things off my chest through writing. Its therapy to me. I have been through so much the past month. I need to process it all. And I am slowly. It is hard I won't lie to you. I am not one to sugar coat things or make out like things are all wonderful. But I will be ok!!! I will!! Because I have a family who loves me, a husband who is amazing, and a God that has my back.

    But to think this is my last baby. I prayed to God during my whole pregnancy that if this was my last that it would be a wonderfully easy and peaceful homebirth. It was exact opposite of that. I have to trust God had a reason for that. I do still believe God answers prayers.  Just maybe not exactly what we would like. But I do know God wants good and not harm to come to His people. When I get mad about how my birth turned out or that I will not birth anymore babies I remind myself that God saved Easton and me during that delivery. And He was with me again during my postpartum preeclampsia when I could of very well had a seizure or stroke. For that I am grateful,  thankful, and blessed!!!

   To my last baby ! Easton, I am so thankful God let me be your mommy. That goes for all my kids. I am so richly blessed. But Easton I apologize if I hold you a bit longer . If I just stare at you a bit longer. If I cringe a little when people say you're getting so big. I look forward to seeing you grow and become who God made you to be but it's also bittersweet. It will be hard to see my last baby grow but I look forward to seeing what God has in store for Billy and I and our family. Easton you completed us!

    To my family, I'm sorry for all we have been through this past month. Especially to my husband! I know God had his reasons. Please be patient with me. It is a hard thought to realize I will never grow another human inside me. That moment you go through all that work but then see that tiny little miracle. It is priceless.

  I know this was all jumbled up and such but that is how my brain is right now. So much to process.

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
 

My story of postpartum preeclampsia

   So.... I left off with Easton's birth story with us at home recovering from a pretty traumatic birth. When I wrote that last post I had no idea what I was going to go through.

     I had a check up with my midwife since it had been a week since we had been out of the hospital. I think that was a Wendsday or a Thursday. Honestly, the past 3 weeks have been a blur. But she came for her visit and when she checked my blood pressure it was a tad high( especially for me). So she called the hospital where I delivered and the ob on call basically said it wasn't high enough to be too concerned and we should just watch it. So that's what we did.
       Friday my son who is married came over to finally get to see the baby because he had been sick. I wasn't really feeling too good and my blood pressure kept going up which is so odd for me. My normal is like 90/60 or thereabouts. Finally my husband just told me to go to bed that I probably was just tired and needed sleep. When we laid down my legs started tingling and getting numb. It scared me so I got up and went to the bathroom and when I was coming out of the bathroom everything on my body got numb and I just saw black. I told my husband to call 911. It was such a scary feeling! One that I never want to feel again. That 9-12 minutes it took for the ambulance to get here seemed like hours. My blood pressure was 188/116. We were taken to a local hospital where we spent over 5 hours( all night) and really didn't get any help. We were sent home at 5 am.

    My husband had a prior commitment at our church for something our church does so he just stayed up when we got home and had my son's fiance come stay with me while he went and took our boys. I was fine for a while but then I started feeling bad again and my blood pressure was going back up. So to make a long story a bit shorter my midwife called the hospital where I delivered and talked with them and they told me to go straight there by ambulance. An hour and a half by ambulance is a long ride. When we did arrive there I had to go through the er so went through the same thing I had at the other er. We found out later they wanted me to go through er because they didn't know I already had a ct of my head.

   I finally was admitted. My incision was infected,  I had a uti, and the postpartum preeclampsia.  They started magnesium which I had to be on 24 hours. It makes you feel yucky, kind of like you have the flu. I had did pretty well while on it but when I was almost done my blood pressure went back up. My sweet nurse from when I had Easton was there visiting with me right at that time. She finally got me on the right road. I know God definitely put her in our path. Blood pressure meds were started. Also discovered probable postpartum depression so working on that as well. So a few more days in the hospital and then I got to go back home! It was so hard being in the hospital away from Easton but there was no way I could've taken care of him with how I felt and Billy had not sleep.
 
     Since being home we've had a couple scares but I think it was just my medicine hadn't gotten fully in my system. The last few days I've done much better each day. Praying so much it continues! Still don't feel like myself , still have some things going on like heart racing some and fingers tingling but I think my body is trying to just process everything and then the meds. After I do get better I've got a lot to process but for now I just try not to think of any of it. I thank God I made it through a placental abruption,  c section,  postpartum preeclampsia,  etc... So thankful for the sweet people that have come along side me and my family as well. I'll never forget the kindness shown. Please keep the prayers coming for the days to come.

Easton's birth story continues

Well I thought the last post was the last of the birth part and more just trying to cope with my c section but was I so wrong. I am not yet ready to blog about what I just went through but in time I will. Mainly because there definitely needs to be more awareness because had the right people not been in the exact right place for me this story could very well be so different.
More to come soon....thanks for all the prayers!

Baby #13 birth story A Miracle Baby ( Part 3)

     
          We left off where I was still in OR . I started to get so cold and then they wheeled me to recovery where it was so warm and felt so good! It felt like I was in recovery forever. No idea how long I actually was. Finally they let my midwife back to see me and then my husband and and sweet nurse came back. The nurse was explaining to us everything that went on and how she knew I probably had an abruption going on when I made the decision for the c section.

        Next they were wheeling me down finally to see my precious baby. Of course it was love at first sight and I longed for the time I could hold him. I spent a little while with him and they took me to my room where my mom and older daughter was waiting. My sister and brother in law came to visit.  Seemed we waited forever for them to bring our sweet Easton to us. My sister had to leave before he was brought in.  It was a very emotional time for everyone when he was finally brought in.

        Honestly the days in the hospital after that were a blur. From severe pain from c section,  to jaundice and Easton having to be under lights, to breastfeeding not working out, etc... We were so glad when they told us we were getting to go home that Wendsday! Arriving home was amazing and scary.

      Everything was just healing now. But then when I woke up that Saturday morning after being home for 3 days and my bandage was full of blood. After waiting 3 hours for the hospital to call me back after I had called 3 times they just said to change bandage and watch it. Talk about adding to the traumatic delivery. It still is oozing to this day but no infection and the section looks good. Also my feet had been totally swollen. It's just been a rough recovery.

      Now here we are 1.5 weeks out from c section and my blood pressure has started acting up and I've started having headaches. I just want to recover and enjoy my baby boy!

      I want to thank everyone for the thoughts, prayers, and love shown to my family. The cards, the gifts,the meals, and the encouragement!!! I am just trying to digest everything that has happened and cope with it. I know it's been hard on my family too! Keep the prayers going and again thanks everyone. Also God is so so very good! We can look back and see Him in every step.  And we are very thankful for Northeast Georgia Medical Center, they treated us like royalty where most hospitals would of been nasty because we were trying a homebirth.

Baby #13 birth story A Miracle Baby (Part 2)

  So we left off with my water breaking and nobody was in the house. I was sitting on the couch and it was pop and the flood gates opened. I frantically called my husband, my midwife, and then my mom. I have never had my water to break and it's always been broke and then baby was born. So.... fully expecting horrible contractions and a baby very soon. My husband and mom were here in no time knowing my history. But there was no contractions.  Midwife assistant and family friend arrived and kept me calm and when midwife arrived and I was checked I was 4 cm and she said i had made a good change from 2 days before. But then the hours dragged on. I sat on the birthing ball, walked and walked, drank red raspberry leaf tea,  walked some more. My water broke at 10 am and here it was night approaching and no contractions.  It was so strange and I kept saying it was. When I was checked it wasnt really uncomfortable and I never felt that pressure of his head. I just knew it wasnt right. Night came and went and hubby and I walked in the misting rain to try to get our homebirth going so we could have the homebirth we so wanted. 24 hours approached and the devastation set in that this was not going to be a homebirth.

        My midwife called around to hospitals and most were not nice and said if we came in I would go right back to have a c section.  Then she talked with a nurse named Tasha at Northeast Ga Medical center and she was so friendly and assured us I could have the natural birth we wanted. When we arrived they had me the best room and took us right back. They were so nice. Even the ob was so super sweet. They had grabbed the monitor for the baby so I could walk around and be free from cords. The hospital has only 2. After steady contractions and everybody just sure I made progress I was checked again and still like 6 so I decided to get in the tub. It felt sooooo good but it wasnt long before things took a bad turn. 

       After being in the bathtub no time at all Easton's heart rate dropped.  With every contraction it dropped. They came in turning me this way and that. I finally said I'll just get out of the tub. So dryed off , dressed, and got in bed. Same thing. His heartrate continued to go down with each contraction.  Again roll to this side and that side. Then they wanted me to get on hands and knees and by this time contractions were a minute a part( which afterwards the nurse said really concerned them because it's an indication of placental abruption). Finally something just came over me and I said , "I'm done". Everyone was like done, what do you mean. I said get him out. I don't know what came over me. Anyone that knows me knows I said I'd never go through another c section( had emergency c section with the twins). The nurse was like , " you mean a c section"? I said , yes! Get him out. Everything from that is kind of a blur.

      Being wheeled into the OR I was so scared. I went from the thought of a beautiful homebirth to this. A C section! They started placing my epidural when she hit the wrong nerve and my left leg shot up and it felt like lightening went through my leg. Surely wasnt a great start. Finally got the epidural in place,  laid back, and I could feel them beginning and Billy wasnt even in the room yet. He finally came in and by that time I was shaking uncontrollably from the meds. It's a out of body feeling really. They got Easton out quickly and he wasnt breathing. The nurse came over and said I sure knew my body and that I had made the right decision because when they opened me up my placenta kind of just came out( placental abruption). Also the cord was wrapped all around him. Seemed like it took forever for him to breathe and nobody was answering me if he was ok. His apgar score at 1 minute was a 2!

     Finally he started trying to cry . After they got him stable they brought him over so I could have some skin to skin with him. And then whisked him away and of course hubby went with him. There I was very traumatized and everything was so fast. Then someone else came over and told me 3-5 more minutes and he wouldnt have made it and I would of been close. We both almost were not here.

  Part 3 coming soon

Baby #13 birth story A Miracle Baby (Part 1)

    I want to tell my birth story so others will know the goodness of God but also so I can process everything. This pregnancy started out rocky. Before it I had 2 miscarriages. The second being pretty rough for me physically and emotionally because we saw a heartbeat and then next ultrasound it was gone, most likely caused by a subchoronic hemmorage.

    Then we got pregnant with Easton and first ultrasound showed subchoronic hemorrhage as well but his heart rate was better than previous baby. By 16 weeks the hemmorage was gone! On the way to that ultrasound I will never forget it was a rainbow. When I saw it I just knew the baby would be ok.

    During all this the midwife I planned to use who did my last homebirth had already planned a Disney vacation for her family before I got pregnant.  She never could find a backup and she was to be gone the week I was due. And here again God steps in. A sweet little midwife was making her way back to Georgia from Minnesota.  We met and she became our midwife.

      This whole pregnancy i was filled with anxiety and dread. I had never ever been like that with any of my other pregnancies. My husband had lots of bad dreams. I had to constantly pray for God to calm me. And I constantly prayed that our baby would be ok. And everything was pretty normal the whole pregnancy.  Nothing too much out of the ordinary. At the end I started measuring a few weeks ahead but in my mind I was thinking big baby My midwife was thinking polyhydramnios. Which is the excessive accumulation of amniotic fluid and she was probably right.

        Our last visit with her was on Valentine's Day. So hubby and I got to go out to dinner. That was so nice! I love that man more than he will ever know. I had been having contractions all night since Valentine's day but they were just at night. When I got up they would be gone. That Saturday morning my husband didn't fish his fishing tournament but after fixing us some breakfast decided he would go fishing. Nothing was happening so I was like sure .  He left, kids went outside, and I sat down to just relax and watch TV. I had probably been sitting there 5-10 minutes and my water broke!!

 Part 2 coming soon