Thursday, June 7, 2012
I am not much for being clear headed this past few days. After knowing now we did experience a miscarriage the past few days have been difficult. My hormones are totally out of whack and I am so tired. I am thankful! Thankful to the Lord for the kids he has given me, thankful to the Lord for the husband he brought into my life, thankful for people who do care and for a wonderful church family who has been praying for us. Some people even people close to me that have experienced a miscarriage, especially a early one just can go on with their lives and it doesn't bother them, they do not get attached quickly. For me.... it is different. As soon as I know that I am expecting I am planning. That is just the type of person I am . And even though we have 9 children, we would be so excited to accept more. There I said it. I know many in society these days cannot understand that, and yes it is HARD but it is SO SO SO rewarding. And to think we are raising up arrows for the Lord, that is something powerful. That is the greatest job we can do here on earth. I am not really sure how my sweet husband has really felt about this as he has not done much talking with me but I think he is upset. A wife just knows these things. That is the thing between Billy and I , we do not even really have to speak to each other to know how the other one is feeling .I am so thankful for him. Thankful that he ask for prayer for me. While I am sorrowful I am also joyful, while I feel like weeping I instead try to smile and laugh. I did have a lost but I also have so much !!!! My family and I cherish life and even if that life was known about for a week it was none the less important but for some reason it was not to be here on earth. My miscarriage has caused me to look at things and realize how much I do need the Lord and realize some things in this life we worry about really does not matter. Those things are not eternal. This is just our temporary home, we should be focused on the eternal things. Not so much of what our kids have but how their hearts are. I have done ALOT of thinking these past few days. I want to leave this place knowing I taught my kids what was most important. I want to leave this place and know that my husband knew I loved him and he felt it. I am so thankful for the people the Lord has surrounded me with at the season in my life. A sweet family from our church whose daughter teaches one of our younger ones piano called today to say she would be bringing us supper when she came to teach piano today. Those are the things that let you know the Lord hears you, he understands, and we are not alone. Alot of my issue right now is hormones. They are running rampant but I can chose to give in to them and crawl in a hole or I can chose to call on the Lord and keep on fighting the fight. People all over this world are experiencing such terrible things and while this has not been easy I could not imagine going through what one of our cherised friends did a year or so ago(having a trisomny baby that passed away a day before coming into this world). The Lord is teaching me so much in every trial that I face. While my heart aches I know that the Lord is good. And I have been saying to myself the past two days Matthew 11:28!!!!