Heartbroken but Blessed

I don't even know where to start on this blog post. But I do feel it is important for me to write. We were expecting our 13th child, actually we have several more angel babies we've lost very early. But this time was different. A couple weeks we went for an ultrasound and saw a baby with a heartbeat and also saw a fairly large subchoronic hemorrhage.  Baby was smaller and heartbeat a little slower than expected but no biggie I was early yet.
         2 weeks or so have passed and we went back Monday to check on the subchoronic hemorrhage. Boy, did we pray it would be gone. As soon as ultrasound started we saw hemorrhage was still there. I'm a mother to 12 so I know what a ultrasound is supposed to look like. Baby looked smaller and there was no heartbeat. Baby should of been around 8-9 weeks but measured 6.
     So here I am trying to take care of my family but knowing anytime now I will start miscarrying. I have had so many emotions I cannot even begin to understand. Yes, I've been mad at God. There I said it. But I'm not so much anymore. I know there are reasons why things happen and things like this are part of living in a fallen world. God has shown me much grace during this time. My husband has been wonderful. I cannot begin to tell you how supportive he's been.
       Many friends and family have reached out. And a sweet  family  whom we love dearly brought us supper last night and sat and talked with us. But i have gotten comments like at least you have all those kids. And yes!!! That is absolutely true . I am richly blessed and I realize some women can never have kids. I do know I'm blessed but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean my heart was not crushed when I go from seeing a heartbeat to no heartbeat. And I know SOME who say well maybe you should stop having kids. Well, Billy and I gave our lives over to the Lord many years ago. Just because things aren't going oura way lately is not the time to say oh okay , I will take it out of God's hands and put it in mine!!! We committed to trusting the Lord whole heartedly even when our hearts break.
     Plus I think it's hard because I feel my body is failing me!!! I have Hashimotos, hypothyroidism,  my adrenals are shot, and my gut health isn't so good but I intend to work strictly on that. I'm a mom tho, have been since I was 16. And I know I'll always be a mom but I didn't realize how getting older would effect me. Since about 4 or so years ago I've had many miscarriages. But never seeing a heartbeat, then not. This one is just different. I would really covet your prayers in the days to come.

Psalm 34:18-20 (NIV)

18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.