Why Our Society Deals With So Much Depression

  While I know each case of depression is different and each person has different reasons I think many times so much depression boils down to one thing! That is PRIDE! Pride I have come to realize is the root of many problems especially for mothers. While someone is dealing with depression you'd think pride would be something they never dealt with but I believe that is not true.

    Take the mom in our society for an example. Every step she makes in our society is wrong in someones eyes. If she didn't have her child natural she was not strong enough, if she bottle feeds her child won't be as healthy, then there is the argument over vaccines and carseats and it goes on and on. So then you have mothers who get so down on themselves because they aren't the perfect parent! We want everyone to think we have it all together and when the ball drops and we can't keep up our perfect lives we get down on ourselves!

    This goes for dads as well. He is supposed to work hard and provide. If he works too much he is a workaholic.  If he spends more time with his family and less at work he is lazy. If he has a hobby he is neglecting his family. If he doesn't have a male hobby he is feminine. And on and on. He is supposed to keep it together and never talk about his feelings. So he doesn't. Why? Because of pride!! Doesn't want anyone to know he can't keep up or that he isn't perfect.

     Same for us as christians! We do not ask for help or even ask for prayer. Especially with the things we struggle with. We come to church on Sundays sit at church and act like everything is ok. Even when we are dying inside! Why!?! Pride! We can't let others know we struggle. They might question our faith. We can't let them know our imperfections,  about our bad habits, that our kids aren't perfect , etc...

    As a society why do we run ourselves ragged. It all in my opinion goes back to pride. We gotta have the best things, our kids have to be in every sport, we have to do this and be this way. It's so much pressure and so therefore we get depressed. Depression runs rampant in our society. Many people you think are the happiest cry behind closed doors. We need to quit thinking everything has to be perfect. When your friend says they are ok ask if they really are.

   We need to slow down and put God first! Jesus was the only one who walked the earth that was perfect. When you put pride away, humility abounds and you live a much more productive and full life. If you're struggling don't worry what others think. Speak up! God is the one who matters! Most importantly when you're struggling cry out to Jesus. He cares for you far more than we ever deserve.

  While I'm finishing this blog post I want to share a story of mine of how pride and not being good enough got in the way of something I love. I love to write! I can best get across my feelings and also get through hurt in writing. I used to blog a lot but stopped. Wanna know why? Yep, you guessed it! Pride! I always thought my writing was good enough until a reader of my blog said some unkind things about how I blog. I was hurt and offended. Many times when I'm blogging my kids are running around screaming and I have a million things on my mind so my grammar isn't always the best, my thoughts are jumbled, I have run on sentences, etc.., So I stopped blogging. I was prideful even though I didnt see it that way! Recently, I was asked why i have stopped and I didn't tell the truth. Just said not enough time. This person said my blog used to help them so much. I immediately felt horrible. I stopped doing something the Lord gifted me with because i wasnt perfect. I am praying hard about this in my life. I'm asking God to help me with everything not being perfect. So, do you struggle with depression? Do you think this type of pride plays a part in it?

The Last Baby

  Wow, I never thought I would know when it was the last baby. I always planned for it to be when God decided to close my womb. But about a week ago my husband got a vasectomy. For some I know that will be a huge shock. Okay, sometimes when I think about it is a huge shock to me too. Never thought we would do that. But life has this way of making you look back and say never say never. Easton's birth and recovery have been traumatic to say the least. And my husband felt peace with the Lord that we were done. Ask me what I feel and I am not sure. I've been told by more than one doctor if I happened to have another baby I probably wouldn't make it. So, that being said I wanna be here for my blessings that are here! For my husband. For my parents. I want to be here to fulfill God's call in my life.

      So, why blog about this? Well I do my best thinking and getting things off my chest through writing. Its therapy to me. I have been through so much the past month. I need to process it all. And I am slowly. It is hard I won't lie to you. I am not one to sugar coat things or make out like things are all wonderful. But I will be ok!!! I will!! Because I have a family who loves me, a husband who is amazing, and a God that has my back.

    But to think this is my last baby. I prayed to God during my whole pregnancy that if this was my last that it would be a wonderfully easy and peaceful homebirth. It was exact opposite of that. I have to trust God had a reason for that. I do still believe God answers prayers.  Just maybe not exactly what we would like. But I do know God wants good and not harm to come to His people. When I get mad about how my birth turned out or that I will not birth anymore babies I remind myself that God saved Easton and me during that delivery. And He was with me again during my postpartum preeclampsia when I could of very well had a seizure or stroke. For that I am grateful,  thankful, and blessed!!!

   To my last baby ! Easton, I am so thankful God let me be your mommy. That goes for all my kids. I am so richly blessed. But Easton I apologize if I hold you a bit longer . If I just stare at you a bit longer. If I cringe a little when people say you're getting so big. I look forward to seeing you grow and become who God made you to be but it's also bittersweet. It will be hard to see my last baby grow but I look forward to seeing what God has in store for Billy and I and our family. Easton you completed us!

    To my family, I'm sorry for all we have been through this past month. Especially to my husband! I know God had his reasons. Please be patient with me. It is a hard thought to realize I will never grow another human inside me. That moment you go through all that work but then see that tiny little miracle. It is priceless.

  I know this was all jumbled up and such but that is how my brain is right now. So much to process.

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
 

My story of postpartum preeclampsia

   So.... I left off with Easton's birth story with us at home recovering from a pretty traumatic birth. When I wrote that last post I had no idea what I was going to go through.

     I had a check up with my midwife since it had been a week since we had been out of the hospital. I think that was a Wendsday or a Thursday. Honestly, the past 3 weeks have been a blur. But she came for her visit and when she checked my blood pressure it was a tad high( especially for me). So she called the hospital where I delivered and the ob on call basically said it wasn't high enough to be too concerned and we should just watch it. So that's what we did.
       Friday my son who is married came over to finally get to see the baby because he had been sick. I wasn't really feeling too good and my blood pressure kept going up which is so odd for me. My normal is like 90/60 or thereabouts. Finally my husband just told me to go to bed that I probably was just tired and needed sleep. When we laid down my legs started tingling and getting numb. It scared me so I got up and went to the bathroom and when I was coming out of the bathroom everything on my body got numb and I just saw black. I told my husband to call 911. It was such a scary feeling! One that I never want to feel again. That 9-12 minutes it took for the ambulance to get here seemed like hours. My blood pressure was 188/116. We were taken to a local hospital where we spent over 5 hours( all night) and really didn't get any help. We were sent home at 5 am.

    My husband had a prior commitment at our church for something our church does so he just stayed up when we got home and had my son's fiance come stay with me while he went and took our boys. I was fine for a while but then I started feeling bad again and my blood pressure was going back up. So to make a long story a bit shorter my midwife called the hospital where I delivered and talked with them and they told me to go straight there by ambulance. An hour and a half by ambulance is a long ride. When we did arrive there I had to go through the er so went through the same thing I had at the other er. We found out later they wanted me to go through er because they didn't know I already had a ct of my head.

   I finally was admitted. My incision was infected,  I had a uti, and the postpartum preeclampsia.  They started magnesium which I had to be on 24 hours. It makes you feel yucky, kind of like you have the flu. I had did pretty well while on it but when I was almost done my blood pressure went back up. My sweet nurse from when I had Easton was there visiting with me right at that time. She finally got me on the right road. I know God definitely put her in our path. Blood pressure meds were started. Also discovered probable postpartum depression so working on that as well. So a few more days in the hospital and then I got to go back home! It was so hard being in the hospital away from Easton but there was no way I could've taken care of him with how I felt and Billy had not sleep.
 
     Since being home we've had a couple scares but I think it was just my medicine hadn't gotten fully in my system. The last few days I've done much better each day. Praying so much it continues! Still don't feel like myself , still have some things going on like heart racing some and fingers tingling but I think my body is trying to just process everything and then the meds. After I do get better I've got a lot to process but for now I just try not to think of any of it. I thank God I made it through a placental abruption,  c section,  postpartum preeclampsia,  etc... So thankful for the sweet people that have come along side me and my family as well. I'll never forget the kindness shown. Please keep the prayers coming for the days to come.

Easton's birth story continues

Well I thought the last post was the last of the birth part and more just trying to cope with my c section but was I so wrong. I am not yet ready to blog about what I just went through but in time I will. Mainly because there definitely needs to be more awareness because had the right people not been in the exact right place for me this story could very well be so different.
More to come soon....thanks for all the prayers!

Baby #13 birth story A Miracle Baby ( Part 3)

     
          We left off where I was still in OR . I started to get so cold and then they wheeled me to recovery where it was so warm and felt so good! It felt like I was in recovery forever. No idea how long I actually was. Finally they let my midwife back to see me and then my husband and and sweet nurse came back. The nurse was explaining to us everything that went on and how she knew I probably had an abruption going on when I made the decision for the c section.

        Next they were wheeling me down finally to see my precious baby. Of course it was love at first sight and I longed for the time I could hold him. I spent a little while with him and they took me to my room where my mom and older daughter was waiting. My sister and brother in law came to visit.  Seemed we waited forever for them to bring our sweet Easton to us. My sister had to leave before he was brought in.  It was a very emotional time for everyone when he was finally brought in.

        Honestly the days in the hospital after that were a blur. From severe pain from c section,  to jaundice and Easton having to be under lights, to breastfeeding not working out, etc... We were so glad when they told us we were getting to go home that Wendsday! Arriving home was amazing and scary.

      Everything was just healing now. But then when I woke up that Saturday morning after being home for 3 days and my bandage was full of blood. After waiting 3 hours for the hospital to call me back after I had called 3 times they just said to change bandage and watch it. Talk about adding to the traumatic delivery. It still is oozing to this day but no infection and the section looks good. Also my feet had been totally swollen. It's just been a rough recovery.

      Now here we are 1.5 weeks out from c section and my blood pressure has started acting up and I've started having headaches. I just want to recover and enjoy my baby boy!

      I want to thank everyone for the thoughts, prayers, and love shown to my family. The cards, the gifts,the meals, and the encouragement!!! I am just trying to digest everything that has happened and cope with it. I know it's been hard on my family too! Keep the prayers going and again thanks everyone. Also God is so so very good! We can look back and see Him in every step.  And we are very thankful for Northeast Georgia Medical Center, they treated us like royalty where most hospitals would of been nasty because we were trying a homebirth.

Baby #13 birth story A Miracle Baby (Part 2)

  So we left off with my water breaking and nobody was in the house. I was sitting on the couch and it was pop and the flood gates opened. I frantically called my husband, my midwife, and then my mom. I have never had my water to break and it's always been broke and then baby was born. So.... fully expecting horrible contractions and a baby very soon. My husband and mom were here in no time knowing my history. But there was no contractions.  Midwife assistant and family friend arrived and kept me calm and when midwife arrived and I was checked I was 4 cm and she said i had made a good change from 2 days before. But then the hours dragged on. I sat on the birthing ball, walked and walked, drank red raspberry leaf tea,  walked some more. My water broke at 10 am and here it was night approaching and no contractions.  It was so strange and I kept saying it was. When I was checked it wasnt really uncomfortable and I never felt that pressure of his head. I just knew it wasnt right. Night came and went and hubby and I walked in the misting rain to try to get our homebirth going so we could have the homebirth we so wanted. 24 hours approached and the devastation set in that this was not going to be a homebirth.

        My midwife called around to hospitals and most were not nice and said if we came in I would go right back to have a c section.  Then she talked with a nurse named Tasha at Northeast Ga Medical center and she was so friendly and assured us I could have the natural birth we wanted. When we arrived they had me the best room and took us right back. They were so nice. Even the ob was so super sweet. They had grabbed the monitor for the baby so I could walk around and be free from cords. The hospital has only 2. After steady contractions and everybody just sure I made progress I was checked again and still like 6 so I decided to get in the tub. It felt sooooo good but it wasnt long before things took a bad turn. 

       After being in the bathtub no time at all Easton's heart rate dropped.  With every contraction it dropped. They came in turning me this way and that. I finally said I'll just get out of the tub. So dryed off , dressed, and got in bed. Same thing. His heartrate continued to go down with each contraction.  Again roll to this side and that side. Then they wanted me to get on hands and knees and by this time contractions were a minute a part( which afterwards the nurse said really concerned them because it's an indication of placental abruption). Finally something just came over me and I said , "I'm done". Everyone was like done, what do you mean. I said get him out. I don't know what came over me. Anyone that knows me knows I said I'd never go through another c section( had emergency c section with the twins). The nurse was like , " you mean a c section"? I said , yes! Get him out. Everything from that is kind of a blur.

      Being wheeled into the OR I was so scared. I went from the thought of a beautiful homebirth to this. A C section! They started placing my epidural when she hit the wrong nerve and my left leg shot up and it felt like lightening went through my leg. Surely wasnt a great start. Finally got the epidural in place,  laid back, and I could feel them beginning and Billy wasnt even in the room yet. He finally came in and by that time I was shaking uncontrollably from the meds. It's a out of body feeling really. They got Easton out quickly and he wasnt breathing. The nurse came over and said I sure knew my body and that I had made the right decision because when they opened me up my placenta kind of just came out( placental abruption). Also the cord was wrapped all around him. Seemed like it took forever for him to breathe and nobody was answering me if he was ok. His apgar score at 1 minute was a 2!

     Finally he started trying to cry . After they got him stable they brought him over so I could have some skin to skin with him. And then whisked him away and of course hubby went with him. There I was very traumatized and everything was so fast. Then someone else came over and told me 3-5 more minutes and he wouldnt have made it and I would of been close. We both almost were not here.

  Part 3 coming soon

Baby #13 birth story A Miracle Baby (Part 1)

    I want to tell my birth story so others will know the goodness of God but also so I can process everything. This pregnancy started out rocky. Before it I had 2 miscarriages. The second being pretty rough for me physically and emotionally because we saw a heartbeat and then next ultrasound it was gone, most likely caused by a subchoronic hemmorage.

    Then we got pregnant with Easton and first ultrasound showed subchoronic hemorrhage as well but his heart rate was better than previous baby. By 16 weeks the hemmorage was gone! On the way to that ultrasound I will never forget it was a rainbow. When I saw it I just knew the baby would be ok.

    During all this the midwife I planned to use who did my last homebirth had already planned a Disney vacation for her family before I got pregnant.  She never could find a backup and she was to be gone the week I was due. And here again God steps in. A sweet little midwife was making her way back to Georgia from Minnesota.  We met and she became our midwife.

      This whole pregnancy i was filled with anxiety and dread. I had never ever been like that with any of my other pregnancies. My husband had lots of bad dreams. I had to constantly pray for God to calm me. And I constantly prayed that our baby would be ok. And everything was pretty normal the whole pregnancy.  Nothing too much out of the ordinary. At the end I started measuring a few weeks ahead but in my mind I was thinking big baby My midwife was thinking polyhydramnios. Which is the excessive accumulation of amniotic fluid and she was probably right.

        Our last visit with her was on Valentine's Day. So hubby and I got to go out to dinner. That was so nice! I love that man more than he will ever know. I had been having contractions all night since Valentine's day but they were just at night. When I got up they would be gone. That Saturday morning my husband didn't fish his fishing tournament but after fixing us some breakfast decided he would go fishing. Nothing was happening so I was like sure .  He left, kids went outside, and I sat down to just relax and watch TV. I had probably been sitting there 5-10 minutes and my water broke!!

 Part 2 coming soon