Friday, October 19, 2012
God is still there!!
Well the past few days have been needless to say pretty rotten for me. I debated even writing this but I got to thinking that maybe it could actually help someone else maybe going through something similar. I do not even know where to start because all my thoughts and feelings are all in a mess right now. ONe thing that does not change is God though and for that I am thankful. A few months ago I was not feeling well and we experience a couple of early miscarriages but we found out my thyroid was way off ( I am hypothyroid)so we thought okay we get that straightened out and we will be fine. Started on meds and started feeling better. Then the wonderful news of another life on the way. I was careful at first not to get too excited but when my pregnancy test were definately positive and continue to stayed that way I allowed myself to get excited and starting thinking about our 10th child. And for a month I have gotten to be excited and to love the little one that was not to be. Tuesday night before I went to bed I got really nauseated and then throughout the night the nausea turned to terrible cramping. When I woke up Wendsday morning I was spotting but I thought okay there are several things that could cause this. I had what we thought was a UTI but now I think was just part of all the miscarriage. Anyway as the day went on it was clear that things were not right and a ultrasound confirmed my fears. Even though I had prepared myself on the way to the ultrasound it still was not enough I was so devastated. STill kind of am but I know the Lord is good and there are always reasons for things. Knowing that still does not really always make it much easier. Anyway, after testing it was found that my progeserone is really low. I mean really low. It was suppose to be around 20 and it was 1.6!! Hence why I cannot hang on to my pregnancies. I just want to say I have went through so many emotions. First I was just so angry. I told myself if I am gonna write this blog post I am gonna be completely honest and real . so yes I was mad, I asked God why he gave me this baby, let me believe everything was gonna be okay and then just took it. But God gives and God takes away and while I am still very sad I am very thankful to God. Thankful for all the things I am learning through these experiences. This all still cuts deep and I am sure there will be more tears. For me the more I carry a child the more I bond. Doesn't matter if I never see it or know it, I know it was my child. Sometimes in this journey I feel kind of lonely and then some sweet friend or maybe my sister or mom will call and I know the Lord is letting me know I am not alone. Being honest I do feel nobody else is affected by this more than I am. But I people have gone through much much worse. I am thankful , so very thankful for the 9 children he has blessed me with. I am thankful for the husband, family, and friends he has blessed me with. I am just thankful. But in that thankfulness I also am fighting sadness and hurt. It is a hurt that cuts all the way through. I am praying that I can find a good doctor that can help me with my hormone problems, not just for potential future pregnancies but also for my overall health. All of this is adding up now. I have not been myself for a few years now, and have not felt "well". Also I think some people get a different view on my belief than is really true. I do not or shall I say we do not (Billy and I) strive to see how many kids we will have,we ONLY WANT TO TRUST IN THE LORD. But losing a baby is HARD FOR ME no matter if I am 2 4 weeks pregnant or 7 or 12. I would ask for your prayers during this time and for wisdom to know what to do. God bless!